Some of My Anxiety

You know. Sometimes we just thought ‘the fucking god is fucking again with my life’ when we met up some troubles that hold we down until to the point we suffered in sorrow and pain for days, weeks even months. Thinking how life is very cruel and why do we have to live and survive in this cruel world, school, work, getting into relatationship, getting married, had a family and die just like that. When you met that kind of trouble, which is pain in the ass, you just want to escape, hide from the world, forget everything and sit on  your own room, or die. Yeah, die. You know, i think my life is quite content, no, i’m not from a rich ass family, in fact i am fucking poor, i never had the taste to vacation with just me, my brothers, mom and dad, it’s always our family, with other relatives, mostly my aunts, cousins and grandma. I never had the taste how to be lectured by parents about life. They just told me to know my place because i am poor and a girl. I never had the taste how to eat dinner outside with our family, i never had the taste of luxury from my parents’ with their own money, usually my aunts or grandma give them the money and buy me expensive things such as this notebook, okay maybe they bought me phone too. but that’s it. But hey, at least they love me, pay my schools, and even they caged me because i am a girl, i have to work to get the luxury hang out with friends, eating at some cafe with them in my senior high. I never done that since i was in junior. But in senior i learned how to be a normal teenager who hangout with friends and talk about boys, fooling around have fun, even i always broke into tears after i got home because my parent was mad to me for got home late (haha 11 pm bitches, that’s late to them) and i rarely go out because my part time work. And there is one day, one fucking day, when my parents were really mad, actually mostly my drunken dad who cause a fuss and my mom who is stupid to obidient and doesn’t want my dad getting more angrier, she called me to get back immidiately, and when i got home she screamed at me calling me names, and the MOST hurt me is ‘don’t you ever befriend with that black girl again’. Right there i can’t take it anymore. Hey mom, it’s okay if you called me names, i know i am wrong for wanted to go out with friends on one Saturday night, but please, PLEASE don’t you say that. Don’t tell me to not be friend with that smart beautiful woman, she is my friend, my bestfriend who stood by my side everytime, and makes me happy. Please don’t tell me to NOT befriend with her. Because at that time. After those words spilled from your lips. I felt like my little freadom which is just a little feather from a small bird, disappeared, you took my freedom, you never let me outside with boys, okay i got it , you never let me outside fro too long, alright, you rarely gave me permission to slept over, okay. You told me to just stay at home, alright. But please, please. Don’t tell me to cut my friendship. I don’t know how to be friends from the beginning, i am a loner since i am a child, everyone around me who like to be with me just want to take adventage from me, don’t you know that? After that i am really broke down. And i ever thought to suicide, i did selfharm that night to release the pain. In the morning, i just go to school, with mixed feelings, my body is shaking and my mind hazy, i could burst into tears anytime, and i couldn’t take it anymore after the 4th period. So i went back home with feeling unwell as an excuse. Devi, my very dear bestfriend called me, but i just can’t talk properly because my mom spat some burning words again and it really hurt, dammit. So intead i talked to her between my sobs, i texted her, how was lastnight fight, how is my feeling. The feeling hurt, really hurt, until now i still shed little tears if i remember it. My mom is not that cruel, my dad is a jerk, because of him my mom did those cruel things. I never know how to have so much friends and getting into boys (i am fucking single until now, A+ parenting for my mom and dad) i felt like a caged bird, that is why i start to wear make up, getting more and more rebel, causing trouble at home. Until now. After i moved up, they still like that. Goddammit mom dad, i am a fucking 18 years old, eating outside at 9 pm won’t kill me.

But the lesson i learned from all of my problems (which is just family mostly with  friends troubles for the seasoning, sorry to disappointed you, i had zero love life) is that, some good things happen between them, like, Vivian told me that Devi was broken down too after read my message, she hit the table and start crying loudly, even scream. That. Give me one feeling that my heart felt warm and my mouth tugged into smile, that mean she cared about me. As much as i cared about her. And there was a time when the anxiety hit me in the middle of the night, i cried myself out, thinking how tired i am to have to work again then college again,  paying my school enroll alone. Actually all i wanted is just a normal teenage life, school without worry of the money, just study get good marks, had so much friends, fall in love with stranger,got into fight and such. But my parent couldn’t effort my college so me and my brother has to do it. And the day after that my parents had a big fight and that is including me, i don’t want to move from my bed until afternoon, i don’t care, i just want to go back to my aunt house, because i don’t have to hear their fighting, don’t have to feel all those weird feeling. And the night on my anxiety attacked i write some thing like this. This is how it sounds:

“have you ever wake up at the fucking midnight or almost dawn or ungodly hour, lie on your bed with your eyes open wide, silent over took you, and your mind wander. about life. your life. your fucking life.

i have, i woke up at ungodly hour, silently stare at my phone or nothing in particular, thinking how my life going, a steady shitty job which give me enough salary to pay my school, food and needs. i fucking good going college where i have friends who want to talk to me, even give me notes. everyweek going godknows where to shopping, or just hangout, eat overpriced meal and shits. getting looked at because my style and dealing with douchebags.

dealing with a fucking stupid friend who is breaking into pieces and i didn't do anything because she doesn't want my extended hand.

and then right there i stopped thinking anymore. and think 'i am tired' 'i am fucking tired' and all of me was like explode, tears pooled up in my eyes, bit by bit, and i thought 'yes, i am tired.'

i am tired of everything. anything. just. tired of all my life.

and the more i think the reason, the more i confused. i see my life as a good life, maybe not even near happy, but there is some people who is struggling with everything they had to survived.

i have an easy job where i could sleep even though it was ridiculous because i don't do anything there except freeloader. i have a steady college life where i have friends. not really good marks, really, i am a C to B student, not really smart but good enough to passed the exams

but then again i am thinking. am i happy? and it hits me like a freaking brick. i relized that now i less laughed except for small things in internet, otherwise i never really laughed except forced. i never been so happy. i am happy, but not happy, i don't know how to put it.

i am proud of myself for could manage to survive in big city and being a freak who dared to say fuck you or show a finger to people who critized me. being someone who could say a fucking harsh truth to everyone, because really, i rather harsh truth than a freaking lie

but then again. i don't know why the hell i am cried for good an hour. i am just so sick of that life. the more i think was like people will think i have a good life, good nature where i polite to almost everyone and don't give a flying chicken nugget to everyone life, cause let's face it

i don't give a flying flappy bird about my fucking life too, i thought about how is my life and i think it's suck, where my parent make me closed in a cage but forced me to grew up so fast because they can't afford my need.

where i'm feeling empty about trivia things like friends or needed the love or loneliness that i ignore, i ignore everything to be honest to escape any anxiety that i had to face or that i bottled up.

and there were time where those anxiousness attacked me, in the middle of night, thinking a work my self everday nine to five, nine to twenty one, without a rest, six to nine, six to twenty two in the night, and no one give me a fucking high five or just

"hey cici good job in life, you grew up good here without getting sustained of this blindly wild life" nope, no one, never ever someone said good job to me for growing up. even me. and then i rummaged in my head why never someone ever fucking hug me. really, give me a hug and i will be good

i am tired of stand up again and again on my feet by myself, i just wish someone pulled my ass on the floor and said "everything will be alright" no one ever said to me when i met problems. they just shrugged and said "don't worry about it, i am sure it will be alright" it's good but not sincere.

and the more i think how no one cared about me even my close friend is just pathetic until the point i don't even care at all. fuck it, this reality is sucks, no one will help me, wake the fuck up. just use good of someone who is blindly want to help me and help them back because if i don't do that it will be sucks. and i can't use their goods. everything must be have the payback eh

then again i think of how my parents are fucking douche, they love me, really, i love them so fucking much too... but then again i fucking hate them too. it sucks to be called every minute in the evening, to check i didn't go anywhere, to make sure i don't go with guys. since my childhood i never be good friends with guys. it just my neighbour, never my parent approve me hang out with them with their watch and it's killing me until i don't want them nagging or it's just me so tired of it and i stop hang out with them

i am tired of being caged, i am fucking 18 years old and for fuck sake, they forced me to grew up so fast until to the point i become an adult who sees everything with number. money is my intention. and it reached that i lost my child-dream. i lost my imagination. i lost the sane, and became a disappointed child.

i envy my brothers, they don't need to fucking worry about money and my mom's money, they don't need to worry about getting screamed on the face because when they ask something to my mom they get it, not like me when i asked them something, i get so many fucking insults, and ridiculous reasons to escape my request even i really needed them.

they don't need to work at young age and can enjoy their teenage night with doing nothing or just doing whatever they like, they don't need to pay their own books, and schools. they don't need to hear their parents whining about how money has been tight

they don't need to worry what will they eat tomorrow, how to eat tomorrow, how to go tomorrow, they just have to asked if they lack of money. if the school payment has demanded. unlike me, when i asked for school payment the answer is "did your salary already out? i don't have money, could i borrowed yours and pay it later. it's for your school" which never payback

i am grateful they care about me, about my health i mean, not my emotion. they don't know how envy i was with my brothers who doesn't have to pay the bills, just fucking buy whatever they like with the money they got. i envy my brother who doesn't have to work nine to five just to school, hanging out, play the games and shits

i envy my friends to have luxury of their parents pamper them, not forced them land into social life in young age, i know i'm being ungrateful bitch here, i remember my mom worked hard to search my school needed, but i remember too how she gossiped me of being so pelit of my money. because i needed to save it and buy school shits so she wouldn't get a headache when i asked for a fucking computer, but she just don't understand i am too tired to explain that time

i envy whoever could study properly and have the luxury to go anywhere they like without getting called

i envy them. i envy them, i envy

I'm tired i am tired i am tired of waking up in the morning, get my shits together, go to work where i just being freeloader, and a piece of shit, i am tired of waiting for the bus and take me to my shitty campus, study some ridiculous shits and have to deal with overreacting people, i am tired of being forced to play with a brat.

i am tired of this life, i am tired of my dad nagging me to go back early . i am mad because they make me like this, make me go wild. make me doing this. i am tired. i am tired. i just want to rest. i just want to have a teenage life where i could falling in love with random guys, doing stupid shits without the fearing of my parent will insult me, without everyone will insult me of my choice,

i am tired.

i am tired of my dad

i am tired of office

i am tired of my school

i am tired of devi

i am tired of my igonrance

i am tired to the point i don't even care

i am tired of feeling guilty of my parents disappointment

i am sad of my dad's word, he did disappointed of me because i couldn't go into a fucking good university. he never pay my school enroll even my brothers’, he just a fucking dick, it's my brother and me who paid it. My needs in this city and my college stuffs.

and he just said 'all ofmy kids got in usu' unlike me who get in shitty ass campus

have to pay my school and life needs of myself

going wild because that's my money and i could do everything on it

put make up because i felt ugly, dyed my hair because i thought i am ugly, getting sad because in the society i fucking happy and simple minded

being fat because i never have a good meal except fried chicken, intant noodle, eggs, and some veggies since i am child. never my parent took all of their children to go vacation, it's always my aunts who took us

never my parents get us eat outside. i envy my friends who ever eat various foods outside and tell how good is it

never me as a child get love and life advice. they just lead me to where i closed my heart and life, tell me to know where i stood, as a slave of rich people. the escape is playing game, watching anime and shits

never me as a child get approved to be friends with men.

never me as a child get a  hug when i sad.

never me as a child get the rich words of 'i love you my dear' 'i am worried about my only daughter' 'i am proud of you' and such

ever me as a chid got a slap

ever me as a child got a disappointed look

ever me as a child got a word of i disappointed

ever me as a child grew up alone

ever me as a child grew up too fast

ever me as a child to get my shits together alone

ever me as a child to relize money is everything

ever me as a child to realize getting rich are important

ever me as a child always looked downward

ever me as a child not to put my chin high

ever me as a child getting gorgeous is the most important shit

ever me as a child to realize i am disappointmen itself

ever me as a child. freedom. is impossible

ever me as a child. i should learn to grew up alone

ever me as a child. Being a girl means being a slave

ever me as a child. Being nice wouldn’t get me anywhere except people don’t respect me

ever me as a child. Being wild is fun

ever me as a little girl who loves sappy story and frilly things, rainbow and unicorn, to survive in this society is hard”

and then, that morning, my aunt and uncle visit us for some business, and they were on their way to medan. I got the comfort from someone for the first time in my life, i got a hug which i rarely got when i upset even a kiss on forhead, and i thought like ‘my wish come true’. And every other problems, like Devi is breaking into pieces because of a dickhead. Being really stubborn and very hotheaded which pisses everyone off. Start to drinking alchohol, smoking, getting drunk and such. And we can’t do anything because she refuse our hand. And that day, she agreed to Vivian to go to cruch, she said that Devi welcomed some new pople which is almost impossible, she listen to vivian’s friend speech, and hit her core, she read bible, she asked for god blessing and cry herself out there, laughing at her new friends joke, i am so happy, incredebly happy, i laughed and cry at the sam time, i am fucking happy to hear that, she smiled, she welcomed, she go back to the god. And i felt like i finally sttle down, get my shit together. even in my troubled state, i found little even big happiness between them. That’s what keep me smile everyday. People tend to think i had no problem in my life, no boys, got a job, always full of smile , but actually i had a fucking headache because of my problem and just want to lie down and sleep, but then i see the good things that happened. I got praised by my lecturer, my project easier, i got extra money, i got new good fanfiction, and then i don’t really stressed about it, just goes on with my life, with little strength that i have, i crawled on this rocky road of future.

So people, life is not easy, but it’s not really hard, you just have to see some little stars that appeared on your own sky, your own life, and walk in the dark with them, they will keep you less stressed and happy, and you could anything with content and calm mind right?

Don’t let people down you, you all are beautiful and clever, maybe it’s not time for you to shine, so please don’t let your hope down and always trying. If you met the worst of your problem, laugh it off and smile to their fucking ass, and kick it. You win, you are the winner.